Solutions vs Feelings

August 31,2024

A friend of yours is going through a tough breakup.

What should you do?

I typically start offering solutions and ranting on and on about strategies to attack the problem.

Now, flip the script. I’m having a tough time at work with a difficult problem.

Whad do I do?

I typically sulk in the corner and try to figure out the problem on my own. Sulking in the corner is a mechanism that works. But is it the effective way to deal with problems? I don’t think so.

There are better ways, which is what I’ve been learning over the past few months.

This has been darned difficult for me. Being the Eldest person in a very patriarchal household, I’ve been conditioned to suck up the feelings and move on. Which is definitely not the right way to exist as a human. Only recently have I even started sharing my feelings and what I’m going through with my close circle.

Two stages of a Problem solving

Stage 1: Feelings

The problem hits you in the chest, and you’re starting to feel it crush your chest. You’re stuck dealing with the system 1 style thinking. Nothing is making sense.

At this stage Some people want support, they go to their friends and family to share their feelings. Others like me, sulk in the corner and try to figure out the problem on their own.

Both are valid ways to deal with the problem. But, it’s important to understand that you’re in the feelings stage. You’re not looking for a solution. At this stage, you’re digesting the problem and trying to understand it.

Stage 2: Solutions

Now that you’ve received the blow, now it is time to get up and fight back. This is the stage where you’re looking for solutions. You’re looking for ways to overcome the problem. You’re analyzing the problem to see how you can overcome it.

You’re Lisan Al Gaib seeing multiple futures and trying to figure out the best path to take.

Framework for friends

When a friend comes to you with a problem, it’s important to understand which stage they’re in.

Are they in the feelings stage or the solutions stage? Are they in need of comfort or are they looking for a solution? Should I offer a shoulder to support or should I stand shoulder to shoulder and fight?

This is very critical and subtle. It is easy miss even for very close people.

I’m not entirely sure even for people who I’m very close with and have known for a long time. I’ve been working on understanding this, when to listen and when to speak.

last update: 2024-09-06