Life has no answers, but inifinite questions
People we lose to the throes of life.
September 28,2025
He would have been 27 today.
Been three quite long years since he decided he no longer wanted to do anything with life and took his own.
Gowsik was staying with me for 6 months, until 15 days before his final departure. It pained me a lot to realize that, there might’ve been signs of what he was going through and that I might’ve said something the wrong way haunts me to this day. I noticed nothing even 3 days before the incident when I called to talk about his job search. I looked through my files. The last thing I sent to him was in December 2021. His resume, because he was applying to his new job.
He was the most unafraid person I’ve met. He had the chops to go out and try to hit it with the girls on the first day of our university. I remember wondering who’s this weirdo pulling a stunt like this on the very first day? Same thing when he jumped over a 9 foot wall by climbing on a log (it was a 9 foot free fall on the other side). Or when he tried to teach a subject which the professor, students or he grokked.
He had a very practically stoic angle about risk. Which can only be summarized by him saying, “how much deeper can a risk take me?” Which was usually why I insist others on not daring him into stupid stuff beacause he might do it.
Also a person, who had an indefatigable appetite for trial and error. He was working on a project on his own, trying to build a smart mirror, with a monitor underneath. Even when absolutely lost and have no hope of fixing something. He went at it for more than 10 days. Just completely locked in with the problem doing nothing else. Surprising to everyone but him, he made it work.
By the time our Final semester came on, he had a backlog of 30-ish courses. Which he cleared in one go on the final semester. Why he didn’t apply himself early on has always been quite baffling. Definitely a person with the capacity to do well in exams. But somehow always ends up having 6 out of 6 backlogs each semester. I spent more time teaching him than preparing for my exams, in the hope that he clears at least some of them.
I do miss our long walks at odd hours in 10 degree cold, talking about why life gets confusing and tiring some times.
His death has continued to teach me a lot about why it’s important to respect individual struggles and let people grow on their own. There is no sense in pushing people to be more than what they want to be because in our own ways we are looking for answers that we haven’t found yet.
There are a lot of questions unanswered with his death though. Why’d he not tell me anything when a called a day before? Was he in some financial trouble? Why was there no note?
There are no answers to a lot of life’s questions. Only more Questions. In the process of finding them, we find ourselves.
