one hundred days of fatherhood

July 12, 2026 · 5 min read · essay, personal

It’s been 100 days since I met the guy who will be holding most of my attention for the upcoming decades. Something my wife said that is fascinating to me, until 01:45 of April the 3rd, I didn’t know how this guy would look, but now all I can see when I close my eyes is his face. in my completely unbiased opinion ila maaran has the best smile of any baby in existence.

I’ve read a lot about the neurochemical changes in the brains of new parents. But, I wasn’t aware of the level at which that happens. month 8 of the pregnancy, seeing a newborn at the subway or the streets would make me tear up. I am a sentimental guy. but didn’t realize I can by just seeing pictures of a random baby feel crushed.

When I was something like 16, I remember asking my father what his greatest achievement was. and he responded, “having two children and growing them both to this level.” and I remember thinking, wow what a dumb achievement every other human on earth has done this, and it is supposed to be an achievement how?

But I can relate to that emotion now. This kid is indeed my greatest achievement. in a way that feels impossible to put into words. usually you think of achievements as the final fruits of all the labor you did in your past. but in this case, I’m proud of all the things that are yet to happen. in a very tenet-like time inversion way. I’m proud today for all the things he’ll do tomorrow.

some 5 years ago, I was writing down the pros and cons of having a baby. commitment, liability, time sink were all words being thrown around in the cons section, in the pros section I basically only had “future generation” whatever it meant. at that point, it felt like a no brainer that you wouldn’t need a baby to live a fulfilling life, because if you had a baby how are you going to find time to grind on leetcode. But in an interesting way, having a baby has amplified my ambition 10x more than before. I want to make ila proud and that drives me.

I’ve always battled regular human problems like, waking up early, procrastination over drudgerous tasks etc. and it would seem like I don’t have enough time in the day to do all the things I wanted to get done. Everything used to feel like a time crunch.

it’s been exactly 100 days since I overslept, procrastinated or otherwise regressed to the mean. Despite sleeping <4 hours for days. My performance has been well above my usual, in my job (I could only take a week off work), taking care of the baby, completing the chores etc. Turns out: I didn’t have no-time-on-hand problem, I had a too-much-time-on-hand problem. I’m the type of person who would deeply contemplate about the best way to boil milk or what to cook tonight. There are enough obligations and tasks right now that, I don’t pause to contemplate about all the ways I could be arranging my books, I just arrange them and move on because I don’t want it to fall over when I’m taking something for the baby.

In a fascinating way, “you can just do things” only happens when you are responsible and in a time crunch. it is impossible to have any agency in the things you do, if you don’t take on challenges and show responsibility. “cometh the hour, cometh the man” is uniquely true for me with ila. more reason one should take on more adventures in life.

Playing with ila is one of the most gratifying things I’ve had. especially, in the last 3 weeks where he’s been able to show emotions and make sounds. (super proud of the “oouuuahahah” melody he composed yesterday)

Being present in the moment is another life long struggle for me. all my childhood friends remember me as the kid who is usually lost in thought. but the last 100 days, I’ve been more present in the moment than ever and 100% of my focus is on giving ila a bath or getting this task to completion, so that I can get back to him.

babies are such good circuit breakers for tension and depression. I can’t go 15 minutes without being waved at by this cute bundle of joy. and in an instant I practically forget what I was stressing about.

For me at least, Happiness is a function of how much i serve others. being able to serve my baby all the time is just happiness at its maximum. navigating the last 2 years of immigration, insurance, and psychological stress while also with the expectation of the baby is the most intense and fascinating adventure I have ever been in. There is no equivalent.

I started this as a writeup about fatherhood and how ila has changed me. But really, my wife is responsible for doing 99% of the heavy lifting. At this point I’m convinced she has a heart of steel and infinite endurance. she sleeps less than me and ends up getting more things done than I could in a 24 hour period, while also doing most of the taking care part of ila. incredibly grateful I get to raise him with her.

10/10 definitely recommend.